TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be remarkable. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed in the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully from put. Built by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, certain, let's have another area where by American Adult men can wear robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst past negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: supply everyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It is that he really should prevent employing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the challenge, replied, "You realize, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head noticeable from space, a feature staying promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after finding the developing's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It can be not simply unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Functions


Perhaps the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, total with climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The ad campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Without end."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "in which's the closest elevator to the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is currently attracting consideration from Worldwide buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll get a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level will likely involve:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge in which my PTSD might have turn-down company."


Yet another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to build a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican Trump Tower Damascus has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It required a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."

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